I was the first born son of a village chief, a polygamist who had nine wives. It followed that I would inherit everything one day, even his widows. And so, I thought that I needed a wife who was beautiful, young, submissive and preferably from a well-off family.

One day, a friend of mine introduced me to J., a very beautiful and friendly woman. But I instantly set aside any thoughts of marrying her because she already had two children. I knew what a heavy commitment this would involve because I, too, when I was younger, had raised two children with the help of my mother.

However, I continued to see J. and I was touched by the life she led. She seemed such a fulfilled and happy person, even though there wasn’t a man in her life. She was faithful to her work and to bringing up her children, who were well adjusted and happy. I couldn’t understand how this could be, and my curiosity was aroused. I found out that J. was a Christian and a member of the Focolare Movement.

Some time later, I too got to know this Movement. For me it was like going back to school. I learnt that God is love and that his providence looks after everything. I found an answer to my thirst for happiness. I felt that something in me was gradually changing. One day, with J. at my side, and trembling with emotion, I went to her parents to ask for her hand in marriage.

We got married in church in 1992 and a new adventure began for us."

J. "To build a family that is as complex as ours is a daily challenge. We began our married life with our four children, ranging from 8 to 14 years old, his two nephews, one of my nephews, as well as my mother-in-law – 10 people in all. We learned that the first neighbour to love in a practical way, in the small everyday things, is the husband or the wife or the child, trying to see Jesus in each one.

We first of all had to give our children the witness of mutual love between the two of us, so that they too could accept one another and truly become brothers and sisters. It wasn’t by any means simple. Often we had to work out together how to help a particular child in overcoming difficult moments. We understood that human love is fragile and limited and that we had to rely on a love that comes from God."

P. "I had to forget my desire to be revered as the head of the family. I understood that the master of the household was Jesus, so I wanted to learn from him. My old ways as a bachelor gradually gave way to a new life based on love for my neighbour. I no longer wanted to be an important person who just gave orders and who expected to be served. Instead I started to do my share of the work at home – to clean up after a meal, to empty the rubbish, to do the laundry, to go shopping … It was hard on my ego at first. Even my mother objected, but she soon understood that to be a Christian meant just this: to deny yourself and your position and to live for others. Consequently, it was logical to see with J. the financial situation of the family and to ask her advice in making decisions.

My two children expected to be favoured in some way. It wasn’t easy to deal with this. With the other two children I had to be very patient and to love them a great deal. I spent a lot of time listening and talking to them and making myself one with each one.

Unfortunately during the first year, things didn’t go too smoothly … and not only because of the children. It was due mainly to the conflict between my wife and my mother."

J. "According to my mother-in-law, I wasn’t the right wife for her son. And she let everybody know this. I suffered in silence and continued to love and to serve her. When I realised, however, that she was inciting the children and my husband to turn against me, I rebelled. I wanted to ask her to leave our home. I remembered the "art of loving" and the Gospel which teaches us to love everyone. I tried to justify myself in what I was doing by going over in my mind all the negative things she had done. But something inside me was saying: "All this is true, but have you loved her as yourself?" Perhaps I had tried to love her, but not in the right way. Now I had to look at her with different eyes: she was no longer the complaining mother-in-law, but a neighbour to love – there was Jesus in her to love. I had to be the one to change, not her.

To start with, I stopped criticising her in front of my husband. Instead I tried to point out the good things that she did. There were plenty of chances to love her, for example, when she refused to eat what I had cooked or when she ignored my greetings. These things no longer made me sad. I simply tried to do my best for her. When she was sick, I cared for her in the same way I would have cared for one of my children.

Because my attitude changed, the atmosphere at home gradually began to change. My mother-in-law softened up; she became more attentive to others, especially the children. One day, to my surprise, she even called me by a new name, "Ikenje", which means "gift of God". We had now become mother and daughter.

Difficult moments

Our family went through moments of great suffering. I had a difficult pregnancy which confined me to bed for six months. It was a very stressful time for everyone. The fact that I felt so useless threw me into the depths of depression. I became increasingly aggressive, suspicious and jealous and this had an impact on my relationship with the family.

At one point I felt that I had to take a new step, to accept God’s will for me. I saw that it didn’t matter whether I was well or unwell. What mattered was to love. I could love from my bed. I could give a smile or a compliment, so I wasn’t useless."

P. "I remember that period of suffering which highlighted the negative side of my wife’s character. She had become bitter and this made her rather unpleasant to live with. But despite this, I never loved her more than in that moment.

The temptation was there to leave her, to be unfaithful. And to make matters worse, my mother reminded me constantly that my father had had 9 wives and that I wasn’t just an ordinary person.

The fact that I remained faithful to J., and to the love we had pledged, was due entirely to the sacrament of marriage and to the strength given to me by Jesus. I tightened the reigns on myself – I never went out, except for Mass and to visit relations and friends of the Focolare Movement; I didn’t drink alcohol and only watched the news on television… Instead I listened to music and I played with the children, who were so looking forward to the new baby. Together we looked at the photo album of our engagement and wedding, to re-live those happier days. And we never neglected to pray together as a family."

J. "A baby boy was born a few months later. It was such a celebration. But together with this joy came a big suffering. The baby had a cardiac malformation. This meant we could lose him from one moment to the next. During his treatment in hospital, we asked God for the grace of a cure, but we were also ready to accept his will. Alex Richard soon went to heaven. It was a hard moment and we asked ourselves "Why?" Where could we find the answer to this suffering? Our Blessed Mother, Mary, who had lost Jesus, sustained and accompanied us in our pain. Whenever I was tempted to withdraw because of my suffering, I thought of her and she gave me the strength to remain standing and to say "yes" through my tears. I offered all my tears so that little Alex could sow the life of the Gospel in the hearts of many.